INTERLUDE
i would have waited until you broke your gaze with your phone and looked up and saw my face and asked me what’s wrong? but there wasn’t any more time and the only light left was what lit up your face, but it lit it unflatteringly from below and i could have waited until you told your ghost story but you never started so i focused on the light instead of your face and my mouth opened and i began
but my tongue had a headstart on my brain and for a moment i wasn’t aware of what i said as it tumbled out and into the space separating us, one end of the couch to the other but i hope it was some of what i had rehearsed when i prepared for a time like this
i knew there would be a time like this
and outside our window there was no rain or fog or howling wind because i suppose something as powerful as the end doesn’t need to make itself outwardly known and i felt guilty for breaking the silence
i came to; my words had derailed––i don’t have a clean white countertop to take a photograph against and i don’t know why but eating three dried apricots is too many and maybe if my hands weren’t tied in resignation behind my back with rope biting at my wrists i would have reached out and hugged you that day at the park on your blanket and i definitely wouldn’t have let go until after––
after?
i don’t know why i waited. was it the fact that you won’t look me in my eyes, not even now? not even as that little light source fades from in front of you and you’re left with the image of me, knees to my chest
but you refuse to look up, even now
i would have waited but there wasn’t any more time and so i stood up from the couch to go be alone, which didn’t feel so bad because it didn’t feel so different and i walked until i reached the far end of our house and i hoped that above my footsteps and above my heartbeat and above all else i’d hear you call my name
and if you had i would have waited but there wasn’t any more time
Jaycie Oilar, 24, Rome - Italy ✯ jaycieoilar13@gmail.com
“Jaycie is an American student pursuing her master's degree in Fashion Studies in the beautifully chaotic city of Rome, Italy. When she isn't waiting at the bus stop, she enjoys crying to music (sad or otherwise), taking videos to cherish forever, studying languages to no avail, and looking up at the sky from time to time.”