I'VE BEEN FALLING SO LONG THIS SPIRAL LOOKS LIKE A SPECK
How did I start falling? I look back and try to reason with the spiral, but it resists all attempts at figuring. When I try to understand it, I further estrange myself from myself, from this sadness turned into something else, from this spiral turned into a speck. It’s a matter of motion. At first, my sadness was a violent movement. Thrashing me around in circles, dizzying me to the point of tears. It’s no longer like this. I’m no longer falling. Now when I look up, I no longer see the spiral I fell through. Now it’s a singular dot suspended in space. This is the dot of melancholy. Lone and unmoving. It lacks the furious motion of the spiral, of a sadness fueled by something you can name. It’s immobile but not without feeling. You must feel everything you felt before all the same, but now you have no way to leave it and no one left to tell. The dot is your island. You are stuck. That’s the problem with falling. You can’t do it forever. A repeated motion is really no motion at all. It’s static. I’m where sadness and despair are no longer becoming. Everything has stopped changing, and this is forever now. I miss the pale blue dot of my former planet. The place of my old sadness. Where pain spins furiously on its axis but I can still walk outside and watch the ocean endlessly forming its waves. I’d take you back.
Tervela Georgieva, 25, Utah - USA ✯ IG: @tervela___
“Tervela is an English graduate from a university in the desert. She's interested in exploring the fragmented and interconnected nature of our lives through her art. She’s trying to get back in touch with what she loves about writing and the artistic process.”