A LETTER TO THESE KIDS THAT AIN’T MINE
Are you guys mad at me?
Haven't even left yet but I'm scared you guys won't answer my calls anymore. I'm even more scared that you will and you'll cry when you do. That you'll ask me why or please can I come back. I'm scared that you'll both get a little older and when you fall into that 'I hate the world' phase like I did you'll lump me into the world too. That pile of shit of everything and everyone that ever did you wrong. ‘Cause you’re not mine but we’re made of the same stuff and God I was so angry and confused.
I wanted to give you guys everything they didn't give me. Wanted to do something right by you both and I did. We're not happy all the time but you love me and I love you both and we know that and don't doubt it. Every tooth I've lost in the last twelve years playing Mom and Dad and Sibling at the same time have been fitted into your mouths and your smiles are all the brighter for it and I'm happy 'cause you're both growing up so good but I'm tired.
Not long ago I was changing your diapers and washing your hair and now we're talking about "I think something's wrong with Mommy," and "Nothing she says is true is it?" and "No, I don't think it is, but she thinks so so be gentle with her even if it don’t make sense," and "Daddy's never even home," "He doesn't even really know us," "Why can't we just go with you somewhere instead? We would be happy 'cause you know how to take care of us." "I don't know. 'Cause I'm not them. I'm supposed to be your sibling. Can I pretend I'm just that for a little while? Sorry, forget I asked. Where's your reading logs? I gotta sign them." Just turning ten and feeling a sort of grief that's only meant to happen when they're dead. Just turning twelve and wondering what's going to happen when I finally leave like I've been promising I will when they scream at me to go.
I got my first ID and a bank account at 22 after begging and pleading and begging and more begging and no one was happy about it. Didn't even get to feel that relief 'cause we all know it’s almost over I'm leaving soon. Not soon but too soon anyway. And nothing is over I’m just looking the other way. And I'm scared too 'cause I've never just been myself and I don't know what I'll turn into without you. I want you to be cared for but I can't do it anymore. I've never had a second to myself. Always someone to take care of. Them and then him and then the both of you. Maybe one day you'll understand why I had to go but somehow I hope you don't. Hope you never know what it's like to give up your life five times over. 'Cause I love you both but sometimes I wish it was just that. Just love.
I know I can write better than this but I think this is how I feel, can you feel how sorry I am? Don’t be sorry for it ‘cause I don’t regret you I just need to lick my wounds and maybe sleep a while and I’ll be better tomorrow than I was today I promise.
You'll be eleven and thirteen when I get on that plane, I don’t know how I’ll stop crying when I step off it. Maybe I can learn to be happy for myself but maybe happy is stuck in this awful place that’s somehow full of beautiful things like you.
How old will you be when I come back? Will you let me hug you again? Kiss your hair? Can you smile for me? Still have all your teeth? Will you pretend I didn't abandon you for a little while? Sorry, forget I asked. Feel however you need to feel, that's healthy. Don’t pretend for anybody even if you love them. I love you I hope you guys love me still. I know I said you ain’t but I think you’re mine. Don’t write me back I don’t know if I could take it.
Elio, 22, 'God Knows Where, Really' - USA ✯