CUTTHROAT
Death Of A Father, Death Of A Daughter.
On December 8th my father was killed.
Tell me. Winter in Prague was brutal and unforgiving, I hugged myself tighter as I stood in the snowy rooftop. Why do you want to know? My mother spoke softly and patiently on the other side of the phone. I deserve to know how he did it, I need to picture it, I need to see it, tell me. I focused on the street below me, I could see my father’s blood staining the snowy pavement. You’re being morbid, knowing won’t do any good. I stayed in the rooftop, I watched my father die, in the pink building across from me, in the corner of the street, in the rooftop where I was standing, I watched him die again and again, I killed him with a bullet, a knife, and my hands.
Fuck me. The chemical burn made its way through my nostrils down to the back of my throat, aggressive techno got louder and the man in front of me got taller. I have a boyfriend! I quickly shouted, the bathroom stall got smaller and the sound of my skin got louder, he smiled and handed me the key we’d been sharing, I burned my insides again, so did he, so did my father. And he left you by yourself? The man with black eyes led me through the crowd of shaking strangers, they were all furious, I started to shake too, just like my father did, finally, we were furiously shaking together. I watched him die again, I killed him in-between angry strangers, I killed him in that bathroom stall, with a bullet, a knife and my hands. I shook off the aggressive hands that were on me and I watched him die again and again.
Take me. I sat in bed and chewed gum to stop my jaw from chewing itself, I let the words of Ian Curtis haunt that dark room until it wasn’t dark anymore. I’ve been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand. It was morning now, it was his birthday now. Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man? I called the hospital, they kept me waiting, I chewed more gum. I’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away. I stood up and walked away from Ian. Okay I can put you through now. The woman spoke, I spat out the gum and shut the curtains. I listened closely as the line went silent, and then the slow breathing of the stranger that killed my father was in my ear. Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know. Hey dad, I just wanted to say happy birthday. I listened to him slowly breathe in and out again and again. Thanks. His murderous voice sang to me, I wanted to sing too.
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know.
Dad, how did you do it?
I put a knife to my throat.
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know.
Tell me.
It was the happiest I’ve ever been.
Amaris, 20, travelling ✯